MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD

PREFACE: I'm not calling people struggling with eating disorders or any problem related to food bad or insane. Nor do I want to offend people with any body type. This is just my personal struggle with food and my body type!!

 

 Welcome, I'm Leah and I've not posted in a while and I apologize for that. I'm not really that sorry because honestly I've been hustlin' hard these past months and believe me, I had to give a lot of exams, continuous tests, mock tests, selections, debate and what not. But I just wanted to put that out before we get further. Today's topic is really sensitive for me because I've had a food obsession or properly termed as an "eating disorder". I think it's basically where you can't stop eating or control what you eat; Moreover, you just keep eating and eating and probably drinking all the time. I was a kid when I had this medium obsession with food, I ate a lot of junkfood and it just made me feel bad but kinda good ( If you understand what I mean ). That led me to have a hard life. My mom cut off a lot of junkfood which I'm thankful for but It just made me rebellious because she never talked to me. She just wanted me to not be fat; or she just didn't want me to gain a lot of weight. By the way, I looked like a fat egg so I see why she was concerned.

But, at the time it just felt like...I was choking in my own skin and I couldn't breathe properly. I had restrictions like butter, chocolates, candies and that jazz got cut off and it's been 7 years since I've tasted butter in its raw form. I don't lie, and not only that,I was a 6-year-old, give or take a year. Therefore, I feel like now I've overcome that obsession but it was really painful. The feelings were indescribable and I am really thankful that I'm out of that hell. Real talk though, right now, I'm confused. When I started this whole journey to change and stuff, it was very easy for me to control what I ate. But now I eat shit, feel horrible, cry and repeat the same. I try so hard to not listen to the demons called sugary shit and junkfood but I end up with the same result of giving in. I know I'm seeing a great change in me but it is taking a toll on me. I'm trying to figure out what the relationship of food is with me. How I'm handling moderation and why I'm losing every time. I have a messy relationship with food. This is just to inform you that it's okay to not instantly want to become a food saint and eat grass and air; that's unrealistic and a freakin' fantasy. Don't starve yourself and think before you eat. I'll keep you updated as I am on a way to find the solution to this unhealthy problem with food. Until next time, keep livin', lovin' and repeatin'. PEACE!