THE RED DIARIES: CHAPTER 9. PART 2

 Now, I know that it is not easy. But bulimia is self-diagnosable. You can check certain symptoms and seek help. These symptoms include:

• Feeling like you aren't in control of the food that you eat or losing control while eating.

• binging-eating abnormally large portions of food.

• Being afraid of gaining weight. 

• forcing yourself to lose weight.

• dieting excessively, purging or vomiting, using laxatives, herbal supplements like green tea to lose weight. 

• fasting, restricting calories, avoiding certain foods.

• stopping yourself from eating early or eating too much.

• feeling dehydrated.

now, please remember that bulimic people are broadly classified into kinds: the non-purging bulimics and the purging bulimics. I'm a non-purging bulimic.  Purging (in bulimia) essentially means getting rid of the food that you consume by using various means. Like throwing up. This is the most common method of ridding your body of the food that one ate, used by bulimics. If you do it, please don't feel uncomfortable because I thought of doing it too; yet, I had to stop myself from thinking about it. In place of purging, I exercised obsessively, even when I had fevers and my stomach felt like splitting. I stopped for a second, in the middle of the exercise sessions, and let the pain consume me. But I got back up and started working out again. I put myself through hell, at an expensive cost. The pain came back at nights sometimes and I just sat on my bathroom floor, thinking about how to get rid of the pain, stuffed my mouth with a towel so I wouldn't scream or just bit down on my fingers and it stopped me from screaming out loud because I would usually do this at nights and during the days, I'd have to manage through the pain. I used to play multiple sports back then like badminton, volleyball, throw ball etcetera, it would make things so much harder. I ruined my lips by biting on them and oof, I caused a lot of trouble because of that. Now, there was a phase in my life around 13 when I got obsessed with how I looked and I fell out with my mum, over things that included looking beautiful. I thought that if I looked beautiful, I'd feel beautiful and even though that is significant to me right now, back then I was rotten on the inside so there wasn't any point in enhancing my outer appearance only. I needed to work on my inner beauty. 
About models and our beauty types
This hurt me the most. Since I was a young gal, I've always been concerned about looks, I think what started it was my home environment and school environment. Back then I wasn't into social media and stuff; I didn't know there was an ideal body type because of models, I knew it because of my friends, family, and foes. I saw girls and everyone seemed skinnier than me, I saw someone and they were perfect. I was never enough. Then came the phase where I gained access to the internet and boy, I guess that changed my world. I saw victoria's secret models and thought to myself, maybe I can look like that. I cursed myself when I saw their perfectly toned thigs and ruined myself. But now that I've realized they work very hard and diet a lot to get into runway ready shapes. It takes a lot of mental, emotional, physical strength to be a model and I respect that. Please, don't wish you were like them; don't wish you were like anybody because they could be feeling much worse than you are. We've just gotten so perfect at hiding our emotions that it seems like a perfect world; well, newsflash, this perfect world is perfectly damaged and broken. Battered and shattered; ruined because of our sick, masochistic mindsets. These scars and bruises can be healed though and in changing your mindset, helping yourself, you're doing the world a huge ass favor, and it takes balls to do that so congratulations, you're a national hero and personal savior. I'm not preaching something that I've not even put into practice yet because trust me I've worked really hard on personal growth and mindset. especially during corona, I think I've devoured so much literature that my mind might blow, but it was not because I had to do it. I worked for myself and my personal growth because I wanted to--not because someone else held a knife to my throat. That's a really good thing- it's progress. 
here's the link to a help guide which dives deeper into bulimia and its effects, causes, symptoms and helps you diagnose the disease yourself. Don't feel ashamed, you need help, everyone does but this can't be delayed any longer. bulimia-nervosa.htm
Here's a lovely site on which you can talk to mentors that care about your struggles and can personally guide you or talk to you.https://mystruggles.in/contact/received.
A woman named Elena Batman, an absolute favorite youtube of mine, is really open about her struggles and she had Bulimia Nervosa too. She's talked about it in a video, the link to which, I'll leave here:https://youtu.be/RoGSVp0eifU.
"National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237. This helpline offers support Monday–Thursday from 9 a.m.–9 p.m. EST, and Friday from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. EST. You can expect to receive support, information, referrals, and guidance about treatment options for either you or your loved one.
Includes Diseases: Bulimia nervosa; Binge eating disorder..."
This article contains a lot of helpline numbers and hotlines, that you can reach out to talk about your bulimia. Please visit this article for further information. https://www.bulimia.com/topics/bulimia-hotline/
I also need to tell you that you might be adhering to this behaviour and not specifically know what's going on, you might have EDNOS: watch this video on this eating disorder:https://youtu.be/1OQbUZeYAik.
It's an informational video. You'll understand why it's important to stop and reach out today.
If you watch Riverdale, then you must know LILI REINHART: she has given a beautiful speech that'll leave you awestruck. She feels self-conscious too, which is perfectly normal and it feels horriblehttps://youtu.be/1OQbUZeYAik.
As she says, "We're all imperfectly beautiful and that's okay." "Let's embrace and celebrate each other for who we are."

This might sound crazy but there's light at the end of this dark tunnel; I've now become better at controlling food urges and binge urges. I don't feel like eating my feelings away anymore. I go to sleep at night, salivating, thinking about my breakfast and how happy I am to eat what I do. 

Truth be told, I'm not fully better--there's still a lot of problems that I deal with like I can't seem to take foods like butter and some other foods off of my "Will never touch, see, breathe or eat, food list"; I still sometimes get panic attacks because of meals. But it is okay, I'm having to work through this little by little, (though I kinda pledged that I won't eat meat, chicken and butter ever again--the latter probably for the better and the former food items because I'm trying to save the world that I live in🙄✌🏻). On a serious note, I won't have butter because it has a lot of bad memories attached to it for me and a girl can only take so much but I encourage you to try and seek medical help, for BULIMIA NERVOSA or any other EATING DISORDER is not a joke, it's real. Eating disorders are like parasites, slowly feeding off of people and eating away at people's souls. They should be dealt with seriously. Therefore, as a stranger but friend-- a strange friend 👽this is my sincere advice to you--

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I need you to take a breath and see whether you've been suffering from any eating disorder or mental, emotional disorder and please talk to a trused person about this. Sometimes, things can't be prevented and you need to seek the cure. You might feel like you're not properly tended to or are left unattented and unloved but that is not true. Try and love yourself and you'll see that that's what it really is about. (Now, now, hold you horses!!) Even if you love yourself doesn't mean, you can't want to be loved by someone else and there are a lot of people that love you. It's just that in today's busy life, communication means talking things through not a hostile or a I-need-ya-help glance. You're mistaken if you think, someone can hear your thoughts, present them in the form of words and bless yourself with the attention, the help that you deserve. It's gonna be hard, don't you think I know that, I'm a pussy and I've not yet said anything but that's because I FEEL like it will crush my parents--wait, do you feel the same-- I mean that it's gonna hurt someone you love. Well it might but don't worry, you're gonna hold each other through it. Just say the word and believe in the air around you if not in me, that all shall be right and looked after. I can see a bulimia-less future for you. And for myself, if we take this courageous step together. 

I like to keep it real and so I put everything out there. I hope that you liked this heart-to-heart post and got a little insight into bulimia. If you want to be supported or talk to me privately. shower me with you woes, over on Instagram. Use the direct messaging feature, it's waiting for you. Oh, and sorry Happy Halloween Month, trick or treat! 😘😘😘 Enjoy this month with one of my favorite youtuber's channel. She's an angel and you'll love her, if ya love spooky stories, hauntings and cases. Go to Hailey Reese's channel and become a member of the REESES PIECES family, of which I'm a part of. It's a lovely community and we have fun over there. Especially, in hALLOWEEN month, Hailey does a lot of exciting stuff. (THIS IS NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT TO MAKE MONEY-- IT'S A LITLLE, CHERRY ON TOP FOR MY FAVORITE READERS!! I love her, she's lovely.