The Red Diaries

PREFACE: Hello, today I'll finally start with the "The Red Diaries", I've literally talked about this for so long. Basically, one by one I'll tell you what I went through when I was depressed. I know some of y'all must be like, "HERE WE GO, ANOTHER DRAMA QUEEN"!! But I just wanted to put this out there to make some of you aware and help some of you relate. Ya know, it won't hurt me; I'd love to help you through this painful period in  anyway I possibly could. When you read this, please try to be a little sensitive if you were lucky enough not to go through any of it. Maybe you are someone who's going through this then please make yourself comfortable. I apologise if something I say in these offends or hurts you. Please bear with me, I'll pour my heart out for you in these diaries....

The courtesy of google.

It all began in, I'll say 2018, December. 🧚🏼‍♂️ I was usually left alone in my home for about 6 hours as I was sitting at home because of winter holidays. I refused to go to a tuition as I was in 8th grade( why tuitions??). Later I realised, that was a huge mistake because I needed people around. Thinking that would be good right now is also a mistake. So, my grandparents went out for holidays, my brothers went out for tuitions and parents would go to do their jobs. Everybody was doing something except me. I just went to a stadium to play Badminton and that was about all that constituted my social life. CRAZY!! right? Well, one day I was sitting alone in my room and I got up to look in the mirror. I let out a sigh of disappointment and started crying and cursing at myself. I hated my body, my face, my hair, my clothes and just me. That was the first time when I ever thought:Could I please be someone else?? That was the day it all began, Y'all. Your girl messed her mind up and pressed down on her heart. Little did she know, she just did something that would ruin everything she'd ever built. Now mind it that I was about 13 years old then. I know some of y'all must already be like,"this girl is joking. 13 and depression doesn't feel right in the same sentence". Let me tell ya something depression and anxiety don't see your age or anything, they land without a warning on your runway and when you realise that there's an invasion; it's too late. Of course, I was thirteen years old and had active depression and had developed anxiety. So, I'd fulfil my responsibilities and then sit alone, hating myself. Sounds stupid!! Not to me, y'all. I remember days when I just woke up late because the night before I couldn't sleep well or I would have cried myself to sleep. I felt crazy, looking at my photos would drive me crazy so I refused to be in photos. I don't have many memories because during that time, I tried erasing myself, literally. When that day I looked in the mirror, I saw a girl who I didn't know; her hair was messed up, her clothes didn't look right on her, her figure was unlikable, she looked terrible. I felt horrible and that is when I had my first panic attack. I remember that feeling of helplessness, I couldn't breathe well and I basically felt as if I would die right then. On top of that misery I was crying and I wanted to scream for help but I couldn't make a sound 😔. That is when I couldn't help but take off my shirt and as I was gasping for air, my whole world crumbled and crushed me. That's when I started spending time alone usually crying in my room or tearing up my photos.I started to get cranky and tired and I became very sensitive. Very little things would trigger me and I couldn't bear jokes made on me. That was the day when I started to hate "MALEEHA" and everything about her. She was not enough and she never would be. Maleeha, y'all, she spent her time wallowing in self-pity and she was desolate and she wasn't me. She had been twisted and turned and sculpted into something unknown to me. I couldn't identify myself; I couldn't feel myself. I felt lost with no sense of being healthy and a poor mindset. She got work done but she was dying inside to kill herself and end it. I spent all my time alone with music. By the way "Maleeha"is my real name. You'll learn later who Leah is.

Some tips for you:

1. Music made me feel a lot better whenever I felt alone. Hold onto something y'all, not necessarily a person. Just anything that makes you feel better. It is a known fact, MUSIC AFFECTS MOOD. Therefore, listen to your favourite artist and I don't believe that seeing others happy will make you hate yourself. I'll explain that in the chapters ahead.

2. Try and read stuff that you can relate to. Don't hold tears in, tears don't make you weak. They are a way to make your heart feel lighter. Y'all, if you don't let what ya feel out then you are more likely to have outbursts and attacks. Trust me that's a lot worse than letting emotions out in the form of tears.

That's all for today, stay tuned to find out more. Until then keep LIVIN'.LOVIN'. REPEATIN'..