The Red Diaries: Chapter 4

The Red Diaries: Chapter 4

Welcome to the" The Red Diaries", once again, I talk about my anxiety and depression, what I felt and how I overcame depression in these Diaries. If you're new, welcome! You might wanna check out   the previous chapters!! And if you're somebody who's been following these stories and tuning in, I really, really appreciate it. Thanks fam!

Now, please grab a glass of water and happy reading!

Honestly, I've gotta tell you that you might feel the need and/or urge to talk to somebody. Personally therapy didn't work for me but it might for you. If not then ya can always talk to yourself or  some object that you hold dear like doll or teddy bear like I do and always will.

I'm gonna go an extra mile and say this, you can create an anonymous instagram account and reach out to me. I remember not being able to say what I felt and when I did, it hurt me, I was disappointed in myself; I questioned myself, I asked: Why are you so sad?? Why are you crying? Why are you so pathetic?? Why are you, you?? Here's the link to my instagram account: https://www.instagram.com/22_leah_/.

If you feel comfortable then go on and message me, I'll try my best to get back to your beautiful soul.
You don't need to tell me who you are, if you want someone to talk to, I'm ready to hear you out, maybe even maybe, help you out!! I'm not trying to be a saint, just thinking back, I should've said something. You'll learn how I later opened up and to whom.
When I was depressed, I blamed myself for being upset and my gloomy energy upsetting others who wanted to talk to me. My lovely, older brother, let's refer to him as "Matt"( cool name, huh?). He was always trying to help me by trying to cheer me up but we constantly fought, he scolded me for being sad and mad at everybody, he blamed it on my work and said,"YOU'RE LASHING OUT BECAUSE YOU'RE STRESSED OUT ABOUT HOMEWORK OR SOMETHING. Stop being selfish and mean, we all have to work our asses off everyday and work too!". Then he'd usually leave the room, really upset. I now understand why. My negative energy was affecting him too and he was bouncing that negative energy off of me and hurting me more. Now, do not get me wrong, HE IS AMAZING. I couldn't have asked for some other older brother. But I'm telling you this so that you might understand why its hard to talk to people or for them to understand you. Its because they might not be going through the same things as you but they still have their own problems to deal with and when you exude a negative attitude, they've had enough of you. I don't mean to put you down by this, please, I request you to open up about your problems, I'm no celeb; just a normal teenager who wants to help better this world. PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! work through your feelings, talk to a trusted adult or the best friend no one wants to flaunt, your sweet, sweet mother and unfortunately, for whatever reasons, you might not be able to, I'm sorry, just talk to someone you trust; someone who might listen to you and get you the help you deserve. C'mon, bear with me here. This is why you need to immediately start untangling your feelings, they're messy right now and you're confused, you don't understand some of them; trust me I know, okay and I know the storm of emotions going on inside your head and why you're scared to try and clean up the mess that this storm has created. But just trust me on this one, when I tell you that you need to get that broom and get your hair up, 'cuz the sooner your head is clear and your heart is in a good place and your soul is at peace, the better you'll feel. Here's something to encourage you: There was this one time, when I did a left split and I pulled a muscle. I felt this stabbing pain on the back of my leg and I let out a scream. I felt that pain and I ignored it. The next day, the pain had progressed towards my hip and I wasn't able to walk properly, so I rested it out for a few days, hoping that maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Slowly but surely, the pain got worse and at last I not only lost my left split,  I had to talk to my mom, who's a doctor and receive a lecture on being careful and the cherry on top of the cake was me having to suffer for a month afterwards, until it finally started to heal and the pain faded away. 

From this story, I want you to take a lesson. If I'd not ignored the pain and treated it or tended to it on time, I wouldn't have to suffer for a month and then lose my left split, something I'd worked on for 6-7 months by then. That's a lot, man! but I chose to be careless and it landed me in a ditch. I then felt a little pain every time I got into my left split and it took me some time to walk normally. I acted strong but I was heartbroken, I felt so angry at myself. But it taught me a good lesson which was I shouldn't overlook myself. Its important to try and treat a wound as soon as it's created because you'll have a better shot at healing quickly. Similarly, with anxiety or depression you need to take care of your feelings and try and tend to yourself asap because the longer you let depression drive you crazy, the harder it gets to try and deal with it. Say depression is basically a pile of dirty clothes, the sooner you do your laundry, the less time it will take to finish washing and eliminate this pile of dirty clothes. However, you let a lot of clothes pile up and overtime, it'll be consuming trying to do all of your, say month's laundry in a day, right? Hopefully, you get the scenario that I'm trying to paint out. 

Thank you so much for lending me your precious time. SUBSCRIBE to my blog to receive updates on when I post and be the first to read my musings, I'm grateful. Stay strong and one day you'll cross the dark tunnel, you're in. It might not seem so but trust me. Just keep walking and love yourself along the way! I love ya!

Keep LOVING. LIVING. REPEATING.