The Red Diaries: Chapter 6

The Red Diaries

Chapter 6

The Road to Recovery

I could finally see some light at the end of the dark tunnel!

 Now, after a long time, I felt like I was regaining control of my life; a life that not so long ago, I'd tried to end, multiple times because I didn't feel like I was in control of it. I think the thing that anxiety and depression took away from me was... control. I felt awful as every day I was forced to live a life that I didn't wanna live. I was just sitting on the passenger's seat while depression steered my life in whatever direction it wanted to. I felt a sense of helplessness because I was helpless, I wasn't in-charge! However, after some time, things started looking up. I started noticing a little change in my body. It was minor, although, for me, it was huge. I looked in the mirror and I saw a waistline that I liked. 

 It was around that time when I renamed myself; this time I decided that "Leah" was gonna be a person who wasn't scared or lonely; she wasn't gonna be disappointed with herself. That is when I wrote down what my dream-self was and started to work towards creating a girl who couldn't care less about what other people thought of her; she only wanted to keep going. (I've written about creating a dream self in a previous post and I've written in detail about what I wanted "Leah" to be. If you'd like to read it, then feel free to click this link which will take you to 'My Dream-Self'':https://lifesitivity.blogspot.com/2019/03/my-dream-self.html). Please, don't misunderstand me when I say, I renamed myself. You don't have to do that; I did because it made me feel like, I had a clean slate and I could start over,  strongly this time. I can't explain the feeling that I got when I called myself Leah for the first time; it felt like I'd been reborn; you might think that I'm exaggerating but frankly, I'm not; if anything I'm being truthful to you. Depression and anxiety aren't child's play. It's real and overwhelming; when I described panic attacks in the previous episodes, I wasn't lying, I can promise you this: I'm writing these chapters slowly and taking mental breaks because, to be honest, a lot of bad memories and dark ones resurfaced when I started writing and I feel bad for the past me. I know, I lived this horrible reality but it feels like, it is really hard for me to think that, I, even tried hurting myself. I must've been crazy but I'm pleading to you, don't take your life for granted, I'm no Buddha but I had to learn the hard way that my life matters. So, does yours. Please talk yourself out of anything crazy that you might be thinking about doin'. Trust me, your life matters; it matters to someone, to you and to me; be advised, you can do better even when you're having the worst day. I would like to tell you something. It's a simple thing and maybe you might feel a little better after reading this. Here goes: If you're thinking about hurting yourself, you might wanna press pause. Think things through; I know that you don't want to; what would it matter, right? But let's say you feel like you are at your worst and you don't just feel like it, you are at your worst; you feel hopeless and hateful. But trust me things could always be worse for you; there might be someone else, on the other side of the world who feels the same way as you but your problems are different. Maybe you are having trouble accepting yourself like me but know that there are some people who can't change things that they do not admire about themselves, whereas I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work on my body, I'm really sorry if you can't. Suppose, a person has a disease, though, I hope that Allah (God), should keep us all safe; a disease that forces them to take medicine, and this medicine causes weight gain or loss, or body image problems, in general. They can't just stop taking the medicine and so, they might say the same thing as me: I wish I could be someone else right now. However, their problem is much bigger than mine; it doesn't feel like that to you but try and put yourself in the shoes of a worse you ( I hope that makes sense!) I, simply mean that you could be dealing with something much harder, worrisome and gruesome than the troublesome thing you might be dealing with now. Just think of a worse scenario and compare it with what you are dealing with right now. That is where the art of VISUALIZATION comes in. Visualize, yourself being happy and then try and be happy; visualize, something worse that you could be dealing with and then try to find solutions for what you're dealing with right now. This makes more room in your brain for thinking; you just realized the problem could be bigger; this problem, can surely have a solution; you've just realized that things could go deeper and darker, how can you sit and let them? How can you drown, flap your hands, you might learn how to swim!

To explain this, here is a story. I've not written it and I don't know who has but props to them because it is a beautiful story; an exemplary marvel. The story goes along the following lines:

Once, a man was walking down a street and he suddenly thought to himself: My shoes are so bad. I wish I could have a nice pair of shoes! I don't have anything. Disappointed, the man continues to walk and suddenly, a scene unfolds in front of him. He sees a beggar barely standing upright, walking with extreme difficulty as he is missing a foot. Ashamed, the man thinks to himself, how big of a fool he is. He felt that his 'shoes' weren't nice enough but the man walking in front of him, as he limps and tries to keep walking, doesn't have a foot

In the above story, sure, the man desperate for new shoes, at first, feels like his life is miserable. Although, after seeing the beggar, he realizes, his problems aren't really as big as he thought they are. Please take a lesson from this story as I did, a long time ago and I still carry this story around with me. I know it by heart because it's a story worth telling a million times.

In today's chapter, I shared with you somethings which are exceptionally difficult to understand, so, please don't be in a hurry. Just remember this saying by me: Patience reaps prizes! 

On that note, thank you so much for tuning in! Keep Loving. Living. Repeatin'.