The Red Diaries: Chapter 7

The Red Diaries

Chapter 7

Welcome back to "The Red Diaries", a series of posts where I share my journey with you... a brutal and heartbreaking journey but also a beautiful one.  I talk about the pain I felt and some of the things that I went through in Chapters 1 through 5 and from Chapter 6 onward, I've started to write about the 'Recovery'. 

"THE RED DIARIES" INSTAGRAM HIGHLIGHTS. ONE OF MY FAVORITES FROM A LOT MORE!

So, the process of healing is a bit complicated. They say, "Prevention is better than the cure.", but I say, "Sometimes, prevention isn't possible. The only thing we can do is try to find a cure.". The same goes for dealing with 'Anxiety' and 'Depression'; I still haven't fully healed and I might not even be qualified to talk about healing but trust me, I see a different me. I see, "Leah", who is a lot more confident than Maleeha ( Wonder what's up with two names, check out the previous chapters! 🙌🏻) and I'm proud of her. I love her and I trust her. The only thing that I ask of you, as of right now, is that you trust me. I'll try my best not to disappoint you. 

Healing means different things for different people; for some people, it means being completely rid of the hopelessness, and for some people, it means being able to help this hopelessness and slowly turn it around; for yet other people, it means being able to change this hopelessness into hopefulness. I can't even state the different expectations of people when it comes to being healed. That is what I want to tell you first; healing is your own process, getting better means something different to you than it means to me. You can't look at this post and be like I'll try everything she did and bam! I'll see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. We all have a different turning and realizing point in life. You need to learn some lessons the hard way. I know it hurts and I believe that that's okay. You will get through but at your own pace, your journey will be different than mine but that doesn't mean that the things that worked for me will definitely not work for you. Our journeys might be different but our feelings and emotions are the same. So, you can cut a few corners and learn a little from my mistakes. Also, keep experimenting with different solutions. You'll be surprised what human beings can achieve, once they set their minds to something. I had to listen to some other stories delivered by people, in Ted Talks and some other people who'd shared their experiences. I've not come across a single person who talks about experimentation. Everybody has to do their own thing and fail; for you can only taste the sweetness of success, once you've had a fair amount of the bitterness of failure. 

Experimentation, what do I mean by that? (Self-questioner here, peeps!🧐) Well, when I tried the different things that I'd heard from different people, which would supposedly heal my 'broken soul', and sometimes when said things didn't work, I'd get frustrated and feel hopeless because I thought that in this whole world, there were only some ways to get better and heal from depression. I believed that there were only some ways around anxiety. I failed to see that I'm not someone else and that my emotional palette differs from that of other people; my psychology and physiology is different from other folks inhabiting the earth right now. I'd have to try and see things from my perspective instead of forcing someone else's solutions on my brain. That is exactly why I urge you to experiment with the tips that I gave you. Because some of them are a modification of some tips which I learned from here and there or was fortunate enough to pick up, along my journey. To help you understand this 'method' and untangle this knot, here is an example: When I was dealing with depression and anxiety, I'd gotten highly conscious of my waistline. What I ate in a day, mattered the most to me. So, like a logical person, I went to watch videos on portion control 🙄. Then came the bummer, I cut down on so many things, trying to keep my calories under check that I made my anxiety worse. Anything... and I mean anything that I ate would be logged into my "What I ate today" diary. Along with the names of the food items, I'd log how many calories I'd approximately consumed and voila, the numbers frightened me. By doing this, I was letting the numbers consume me in and out, stealing my happiness. Every time that I ate a cookie, I'd wanna throw up (I was bulimic, I'm saving that for later episodes or maybe a totally different post). But thankfully, my little brain couldn't figure out how to do that. I just sat there in a corner, feeling terrible, sitting with my bare feet on the bathroom floor. I would feel like I was having an internal battle with myself over what to eat and what not to eat but here is how I changed this. Instead of logging how many calories I consumed, I started writing how whatever I consumed made me feel. I started keeping track of my portions while keeping under control my anxiety as I tried to soothe my emotions. For example, whenever I had 'too much' ice-cream, it made me feel terrible, so I started trying to eat a portion that satisfied me and if I consumed this portion, the feeling that would stand against 'ice-cream' in my diary would be 'happy'. I experimented with food so much, that I finally found 'my balance'. My anxiety and depression partly stemmed from my 'bulimia' which is basically an eating disorder. I didn't even know what my eating disorder was called until recently. But understanding that it's okay to feel crazy and worthless made me feel... crazy but hopeful. I hope that makes sense, I felt like my feelings weren't faux and knowing that I had an eating disorder made me feel somewhat better because now I could work on said disorder instead of thinking I don't deserve to live at all and that my feelings are a little too much or false. I started to understand that 'healing' is gonna be a pain in the ass but I'll do whatever it takes to get better, I owed that to Leah. 

I'll share with you a little message that I wrote to myself when I was depressed. Here's a little somethin' from Maleeha: I feel so deep in the waters right now that I don't think I'll ever surface. I don't want to. I'm tired. I'm exasperated; I'm suffocating. But, I don't have any other choice than to keep flapping my legs right now. I don't know what my future self is like but I hope she's proud of herself and hopefully not dead because I know it doesn't seem so, but I can't... I won't lose this battle. I'll survive for a better me. So, my future self, if you're reading this right now, I hope you like your life right now, you've dealt with more than enough. I love you and trust me, if you're smiling when you're reading this then I must have done something right.

You might be weirded out by this, but my past self wrote to me and I'm glad. This brings me to my next tip: please, please and please, write letters to yourself. These letters can contain anything. They are like little representations of how far you've come or how much you've changed over time.  They remind you to cherish good times because of how stressed out you were once and everything seemed to be falling. It also helps you remain humble and sensitive to other people's feelings because you've dealt with some of your worst emotional storms already. 

Finally, in today's chapter, I'll tell you a little secret on how I think my mindset changed the most; I thought the worst of things and did the worst. I harmed myself and you wouldn't believe it but I never told my parents, hell, if you're reading my "RED DIARIES", then there is a fair chance that you're some of the first people I've told, I'm a little uncomfortable with my fam. They don't understand me much, and so I just never bothered to tell them anything, but don't be a fool like me. I needed help, I was going crazy. Eventually, I had to treat myself but I don't suggest you do the same. You're not alone in this world, there is a person out there who understands you. It might feel like there isn't but you just haven't found them yet, I haven't either, so don't feel left out, ya girl here lacks a best friend (I mean a human best friend, I got my bears alright!😉). Take time with healing because some people might heal fast while some take longer, there is a downside to our uniqueness too. We're different people, so if I took 2 years to come out of depression before having a little relapse, you might heal quicker and I, from the bottom of my, now healthy heart wish you a quick recovery from all problems. I wouldn't wish depression and anxiety on my worst enemies. You might take much longer than I took to heal, in that case, I love you so much, be strong and you'll make it to the other side. About the little secret of my mindset change, I had to deconstruct my whole belief system. I had to change my vocabulary. I had to uproot a lot of negativity and after a lot of effort and constant failing but learning, my mindset, and heartset, started changing. This process, according to me, took a bazillion years and then a few more blows before I felt better. I'll talk about this mindset change in the next chapter. 

"BODY POSITIVITY HIGHLIGHTS"! MORE ON MY INSTAGRAM!

 

Also, I'm trying to harbor a safe community over on lovely Instagram, you can direct message me, send me a video, talk to me via email. Whatever is comfortable to you and if you're at all comfortable in talking about your feelings, please talk to someone you trust after talking enough to yourself; feeling like you're not at all ready to share is totally fine. Take your time, nobody is after you with a whip. If you'd like to see some creative content like short piano covers of some hit english pop songs(a guitar cover coming soon! 😘🎶) or a couple of body positivity quotes or inspiration quotes, then please my Instagram account should be of great service to you. If you like "The Red Diaries", and would enjoy some Instagram highlights, which are colorful and artsy, then you can find "THE RED DIARIES" Instagram highlights on my account too. Here is a link to my Instagram account, please enjoy:https://www.instagram.com/22_leah_/.

Until next time, please keep LOVING. LIVING. Repeatin'.