The Red Diaries

Chapter 8

Welcome back to the Red Diaries, a series of chapters in which I've laid bare all my emotions. I experienced them a long time ago but they feel fresh. So, I need to ask you a little favor first, if you haven't taken a look at the Red Diaries: Chapter 7 yet then please do so first because this post is connected to the previous one.

It took me a long time to understand why I felt the way that I did and how I could feel better. First, I need to tell you to buckle up, grab some water to drink, and get a crack on!
I thought that all the emotions that I was experiencing, my feelings ruffling my feathers and my mood swings leaving me feeling worse than I already felt was all my fault. You might be thinking the same; you might be subconsciously blaming yourself for feeling. When someone confronts you about it, it seems to go right over your head but please look in the mirror and ask yourself, are you doing this? Are you somehow blaming yourself for feeling; when in actuality, our emotions and how we feel are natural, sometimes uncontrollable and destructive things. But when understood, acknowledged and forgiven become somethings that you can control like your limps.

We can't control how someone behaves, though we can control how we behave. When you have anxiety and depression, your rational mind is bombarded with a lot of confusion, it assumes that you're being subjected to imminent physical danger and that is the reason why you feel panicked or out of control; it tries to assign a proper reason to our stress and tries to calm us down; so, it actually makes things worse when it can't really put the pieces together; when it can't really figure out why you feel like you're dying or having a heart attack when you're not, this usually leads to outbursts, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and there are loads of other similar things that might occur. My panic attacks had escalated so much that I couldn't really even choose to sit with anyone anymore because I was afraid that they'd think of me as if I were mad. I'm not kidding, I mean it, I thought I'd get sent to some asylum. I suppose I need to tell you a little more about my erratic behavior, so here's an episode from my life. 
I was sitting in our living room, it's where we basically sit after we've had lunch and we're done with all our work. One day, we'd assembled together in the living room, my father was sitting across from me, he was facing my brother and I was going insane because our internet wasn't working; I'd grown obsessed with listening to music (especially Shawn Mendes' music 😘🎶) and keeping my earphones in my ears at all times because it gave me an escape from the terrible hell that I felt my life was. My father wanted to make conversation and so he starts going on about something which even if I racked my brain right now, I couldn't possibly remember and I was so annoyed and angry, with tears held back and a lot of stress ready to crumble me that I started crying, in the middle of this one-sided conversation. Yeah, can you believe how embarrassed I felt? I started bawling my eyes out and my father just stared at me with sheer terror and concern in his eyes. I ran out of the room to deal with a bad anxiety attack that followed. Now, my father didn't really question me about what happened. Do you know Charlie Swan from the book and movie, "Twilight", well, my father is a lot like him and I'm like a Pretty Little Liars character, I kept secrets; wait, I'll rephrase that, I held my feelings inside, letting them bottle up and pour out like a volcano. My father being the nice person that he is must've shrugged it off as hormones or something but I knew better. I was so mad at myself for having shown my vulnerable side that I curled up into a ball beside my teddy bear, also my best friend, Jackie Chan, and cried and cursed at myself. I was furious and so the only thing that came to my mind after this episode was to write about how I felt. That's where another tip for anyone going through depression is: find your outlet. Find an outlet other than the attacks, the outbursts and harming yourself. I personally, recommend and stand by the power of writing about how you feel. Since the paper can't really shout at you for feeling, might as well let the paper bear the burden of your emotions. Don't worry if things don't make sense; take a look at my journal and you'll see rambling, my thoughts all over the place, repeated sentences and I didn't really know what I was writing, it doesn't matter as long as this outlet of yours makes you feel better. Some other options include recording audio clips and trying to console yourself, or recording video clips; be your personal coach, therapist, doctor and healer. I had to be and it worked; I didn't go to rehab, I didn't take Xanax, though I was close to taking them (not that there is anything wrong with seeking help from medication as long as you're with a trusted adult and you've got a prescription for your meds 🤥). Now, here's where experimentation comes in, suppose you try out all these methods and they don't work then maybe try to talk to yourself; look in the mirror and have a therapy session with yourself; I designed a little 'help-you-out' paper with some questions that you might wanna ask if you're feeling depressed or anxious. Here are the questions: 

• What is going on?

• Why do I feel this way right now?

• What could be the trigger for my panic attack?

• Am I overreacting?

• What occurred prior to my attack?

• What was I doing that could have stressed me out?

• What can I do to feel better?

• Would I treat someone else harshly if they felt terrible or would I try and help them by talking to them? So why don't I go a little easy on myself today? 

I have narrowed these questions down but if you wanna see the full designed paper, subscribe to my blog I'll drop it as a bonus to this series soon. Try and find similar resources that can help you. I'll give a couple more, talk to your favorite stuffed animal about what you're going through, don't worry, I'm pretty sure, they're not gonna squint or broaden their eyes in disbelief. They patiently listen and don't pass judgemental looks. Another thing that you might wanna try is this: every time you feel overwhelmed or have a panic attack, write down the probable causes as to why you might be feeling panicked and/or overwhelmed. Then compare these causes with each other and if you find similarities among these causes or you see a reason has been repeated quite often. THEN. Bingo, that thing might be the reason for your ruth. I found issues related to my bulimia quite common, for example, I'd have a certain meal and freak out over it. Food was quite common in my list. That is a cue for you to do something about a 'known cause' for your panic; it's a little algorithm that I found out through experimentation. It works wonders for me; yes, works, I haven't fully conquered anxiety yet, I still have freak-outs and outbursts but I control the steering wheel now, so yo soy la jefa, ahora (I'm the boss, now!). I use most of these tricks to calm down. 

Lastly, for this episode, let's get a little more real, 'kay? I hope you like the fact that ya girl right here keeps stuff real. I'm by no means a professional at this stuff, I believe that I needed but more so wanted to tell my story because if there's a little chance that I can save someone's life, I'll take it. One more resource that you can use to feel better are self-help books; yep, there is no shame in that. There are plenty of must-reads out there; if you want me to share my reading list then please comment down below. About getting real, I want to tell you something, even after I felt like I was getting better, there was this weird crash that I had midway through the healing process but that by no means, indicates total loss; depression and anxiety do tire you out, it feels like an endless battle and they seem to have all the weapons but trust me, you can still turn things around; ever have those days where you, not any other human being or any other creature but you, lay in bed and think since everything's gonna go to shit anyway, why don't I let it? Well, I have had these days. I still do sometimes. It's called being in a rut. You just don't know how to get out of bed or feel better. It feels like you're stuck in a maze. And you feel like there's no exit; you're stuck and you can do the only thing that's possible and that is spinning in circles. Don't worry, it's normal. Cray cray stuff, right? Nope, it's perfectly fine. You can get out of a rut though. Brew a cup of coffee, your favorite kind, watch an inspirational ted talk and you're gonna be out of your bed in no time. But if sometimes you just wanna sit down and wind down. Please listen to your body and try and connect with your soul. Don't push yourself to a point where you feel burnt out. 
I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you haven't checked out the previous chapters yet please feel free to catch up. In fact, I'd appreciate it a lot if you'd catch up. Thanks a lot for tuning in today. Sending love and hugs to you and your family. 

I WROTE A BOOK CALLED CAPTIVE WHICH IS OUT NOW ON AMAZON. PLEASE CHECK IT OUT.

Keep Loving. Living. Repeating.