The Red Diaries: Chapter 9

AND SO SHE LEARNED THAT SHE WAS ENOUGH.

Hello and welcome back.

Let's hit the accelerator and drive further along this road, you've been kind enough to join me on. Trust me, check your seatbelt, and let me handle the rest. 

So remember how I filled you in on the fact that my mindset was corrupted. I was gonna originally write a separate series about my bulimia but I'm writing a story about that... 🤫and I don't think I can write too much about my bulimia, it takes a toll on me emotionally. I'll give you a little backstory about my binging here. I hope this doesn't disturb you too much. HERE'S THE DISCLAIMER: Particular stuff in this post might be a little triggering for you, hell it takes a lot of strength and hydration for me to keep writing, therefore, I'll leave little marks where I've talked about something triggering, if you're triggered though, I'm truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can lighten your mood by my silliness in the previous post. 'kay, then let me share the story of my binging disorder, I'd advise reader discretion. 

I don't exactly remember since when but I've always had trouble figuring out when I feel full. For example, let's say that we shared a pizza, that's right, you and I, and it was a large one. I'd probably have a quarter of a slice and stop eating. You might think it's because I'm full. Though, surprisingly, I'm not, I can't tell when I feel like I've exceeded my capacity of filling my stomach, or when I feel like I need to stop eating because I can't eat anymore. I still have trouble with bulimia. Don't sulk just yet, the story is a lengthy one and I won't spare you the details. 

A little background: about the disorder

Bulimia Nervosa is an eating disorder, which is accompanied by symptoms such as binging on food or overeating, purging, or vomiting using chemicals, drugs or laxatives or diuretics, or restricting eating, using stimulants, dieting, exercising, restricting certain foods, having low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety, having ragged teeth, being dehydrated all the time because of the purging, etc. The list goes on and on, many symptoms show and are easy to catch while as many are shunned or neglected by thinking of them as high-school jitters, hormones, "teen behavior", or in cases where you're not a teenager, trying to glow up. I can't describe, how often bulimic patients are left to figure things out on their own and deal with a deadly, or fatal disease (please don't be scared, it's fatal but you can get help, I'll leave sources for you to attain medical help and ways to deal with it in the end, breathe and read on or click off after you feel like you can't go on. I'm not there and I'm not gonna come out of the screen, take care of your mental health, I've even given myself permission to stop writing when I feel like its too much!) 🙂🤨 Moving on, 🙄 I'll link articles that helped me or videos and all that I can provide you with. I know what it feels like, and I'll try my best to phrase it into sensible sentences though pardon me if I fail. 

I don't know exactly since when I've been like that but the oldest memory dates back to when I was 6 years old. I remember my mom started restricting chocolates, butter, and candies as she thought I was getting fat. She'd keep nagging me when I crossed clearly drawn lines by her when it came to food and what foods I could eat. Don't blame my mom, she's always trying to do what's best for me, and somewhere, in trying to do that she just stopped caring about what I thought was best for me. 😔 We were always fighting, she'd say that I couldn't eat a particular food and I'd throw a fit. I couldn't understand why I was being forced to stop eating chocolates, knowing that I loved chocolates. I still do. Though, now I eat DARK CHOCOLATE. I was always hungry somehow, give me a plate of rice and after I'd finish one plate, I'd ask for another, then I'd realize that my stomach hurts because my stomach was allegedly full. I'd still not be sure. It felt like someone was fighting World War 3 inside of my alimentary canal or the digestive system, and every time, they'd just surrender and start again. Not a great feeling, in fact, it was eating away at my soul. I'm not an exaggerator. It made me wanna kill myself, not at 6 years of age but when I was 13 and 14. Not just once, three times, in two years. 😖 I know what that looks like, I'm fine now with no such intentions though I'm struggling with my anxiety, I'm not suicidal anymore. That's what low self-esteem and obsession with having the "right body" did to me, 🥺 don't feel sorry. I was not at fault and you aren't if you feel like that either. Please hold on, you're strong. I think the most common question would be, what caused this. The answer is complicated and it includes a lot of factors. Let me break it down. A certain feeling that made me feel less than some of my "fellow classmates or friends", my family's, and my so-called friends' jokes, of course not on purpose, but unintentionally about a certain ideal girl in class or waist sizes, sizes, their food portions, stupid, superficial stuff like that, comparison with other people's shapes and gosh 🤒. I have these weird repressed memories of me trying to lock myself in bathrooms and always wishing that I were someone else. They come and go like little flashes. Guys, I was embarrassed, more than angry or upset, I hated my body, myself, it's important to know that though unintentionally too, my mother made me feel like I wasn't worth it. It felt horrible being pointed out in certain situations and calling me out loudly about eating a certain food. I don't think she got how much that hurt or how much that affected me. I still haven't told her because I just don't feel like she understands me anymore. I've stopped keeping her updated on a lot of things but thankfully I've my best friends ( Jackie and Pinky) right there when I want to unload. I recently uploaded a self-written quote on my Pinterest and Instagram, the quote, "Comparison is the kiss of death for your happiness", that comparison coupled with the feeling of worthlessness and embarrassment about my body led me down a rocky path with no street lights to light my way. I've had to walk that dark path and it's no joke. I'll tell you a little about my unhealthy mindset, back since forever, I was obsessed with chocolates and I think that butter and meat were my best friends, I literally believed that eating eggs made you fat 😳 and my mother corroborated this stuff. She fueled my anger constantly; restricting not only chocolates but glaring at me when we were out to have meals, basically gesturing for me to not eat anything "unhealthy". MY, OH MY! She forced me into a diet. I was going insane, sneaking out candies, and eating them. Then came the 'take care of things yourself period'; there were multiple times when I'd locked myself in the bathroom in an attempt to hide from other people. She stopped restrictions and would normally taunt me whenever I grabbed something to eat. I'M NOT PAINTING MY MOTHER OUT TO BE AN EVIL WITCH. SHE'S AN ANGEL, SOMETIMES 😘. She tried to stop me from gaining too much weight and somehow, subconsciously knew, I'd become insane because of my weight. Here's my first Bulimia Repercussion, I'm afraid of weighing myself. That is probably not shocking to you since many people are conscious about their weight but not many people cry when they see a weighing scale, right? I get severe anxiety whenever I see a scale, now, you might be scared of monsters under your bed, 'a weighing scale is probably a monster in my head'. ✌🏻 I've got this insane, unbeatable fear of checking my weight that I've not checked my weight for the past 5-6 years. Now, a trigger food for me is butter, as you may have very well guessed. I refrain from all 'buttery stuff'. I peruse contents of any 'outside food' that I purchase and butter isn't a friend here. NOPE, I hate peanut butter too. Now look before you grill me on this, I'm scared of the shape, form, smell, and the feel of butter on your hand. Have you ever just eaten butter, yeah, well then you and I wouldn't get along 😂. On a serious note, I've not touched butter for the past 8-9 years. The butter that you eat on toast ain't been a thing for ya girl like ever. Now, now, that is just an example of what happens when you have bulimia or anorexia, another eating disorder, (comment below if you want me to talk about that, thankfully I didn't have anorexia so don't worry, but I'd love to help so 👇🏾 go down and say it, you can comment anonymously)-- you have trigger foods or fear foods which you don't wanna see within a hundred-mile radius near you. Another fear food for me is, 🤭 ya guessed it probably, its meat. Yup, I'm pretty sure I'm vegan since halfway through this year, I became vegan, left chicken alone for good too. Although, important to note here that I wasn't scared of chicken, it was something that I did because I wanted to give back to our environment. So, IT'S UNNECESSARY TO BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING SEEMS UNEDIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE BULIMIA. ALSO, YOU COULD BE SOME OF THE PEEPS WHO SUFFER FROM BULIMIA TO SUCH AN EXTENT THAT EVERYTHING IS A FEAR FOOD. For me, when I began falling into depression, it was because I explicitly hated and shamed my own body. Seeing models flash their tiny waists (though I respect models and hang tight I'll talk about this later in this episode) 👽, I became obsessed with turning into someone else. As they say, be careful what you wish for, I became a different person, a fallen soul who'd lost all there was that she was fighting for, who was lost in life, confused about her identity. When you're a teenager, thirteen in my case, and are unable to introduce yourself because you don't want to, it's concerning, and for me it was embarrassing. 

Bulimia snuggles up to you and makes you feel like crap and confused and traps you into a vicious guilt cycle. You lose yourself down the dark path that you were treading on and for a while it seems like there's no way out. My Bulimia cycle consisted of: looking at myself, shaming the hell out of myself, feeling guilty that I was fat, binging to make myself feel better, starving, exercising obsessively, denying certain meals, skipping meals, being disappointed for binging, not sleeping enough (i had insomnia), waking up with headaches and stomach pain, then repeat. I went through my customized hell cycle until it became truly undoable and I got tired of feeling like I wasn't enough or worthy to be loved. YOU CAN CHANGE THAT. Start by truly admitting it, for I denied being a bulimic for the longest time, it's not something to be ashamed of, it is a real problem that needs to be addressed. Had a binge session and the urge to throw up, me too! (a long time ago) But I stopped the urge entirely. Now it doesn't cross my mind...

to be continued.