Be careful of the people you're influenced from. 

Hey guys I wanted to talk to you about something important; that I wish I knew when I started-- I had planned to write watching and following influencers but this could be important for those that use internet in general-- using internet. It seemed beautiful; the idea was unbeknownst to me, the idea that a world beyond my imagination exists and strives towards untouched skies. I know it feels like I'm embellishing things but though as I writer 🙄💕 I like to do so, this post is different, I need to be totally honest and plain; that is the only way, I can satisfy the title and my heart. So, as exaggerated as it sounds, internet is like a beautiful ocean, that opened up many possibilities for me, that helped me become sad and happy, that changed my personality- for the better. But those things came later, let me tell you a little more about me first, for context, I'm a person, who is naturally very curious and I try to learn everything 🙌🏻 (yeah, I know I'm awesome 👽) so naturally when I saw these people on the internet knowing so many things that I hadn't even imagined, I felt jealous, I suppose, and tried to change myself by watching other people; here is where comes in the talk about influencers. 

An influencer, in my definition, is a person that can totally change your opinions about things, whether the things are of importance or not, depend and differ from person to person; what is like the world to me might be nothing to you; that's just the truth and it is so because we're different people, with different situations around us; we set our priorities keeping in mind these situations and always try to be at par with everything. humans are naturally competitive too. And that competitiveness is blazed when we see someone doing something better than us; ( I know you've done it, because I have too and that is okay ) therefore, when we watch influencers living a life that is like a dream, we might get thoughts like "I wish I were him or her"; again, just talking from personal experience, please don't get offended. It is a vicious cycle that absorbs and confuses you; slowly you start becoming a different person and feel like you're losing yourself. That is what I mainly hope to address: this feeling of "I wish I were him or her". Why do we think like that? As a person that is fifteen, I can attest to the fact that I've had an identity crisis, where I felt like I didn't know me anymore; ( if you want to read about that in a little detail; go read the post series called "The Red Diaries", I've written about this crisis in detail, how I felt, what I went through, why.)

 Here, I need you to ask yourself an important question: have I ever felt like that? If the answer is no, then I hope you don't and I'm really happy for you; and if the answer is yes then that's okay, because you're on my boat. There was a point in time where I felt like all these influencers I was watching, were controlling me and I was becoming them, I was wishing that so often, that slowly I started to lose who I was, what I wanted to be, what I liked and disliked; "Maleeha" as I've said before, but just to reiterate, "Maleeha" seemed to become blurry. Who am I? I was asking myself constantly but it was like I was so many people that I couldn't bear it any longer. I'm not talking about multiple identities, rather a fading identity; I don't know if you can relate but I'll say this anyway: it was because I was becoming the influencers I was watching; what they liked to eat, I did, even if I didn't. I hope that makes sense. Or another example would be, say, my favourite influencer, took on a challenge or started developing a habit that suited his/her situation, that dealt with their problem, I'd do the same and be frustrated if I didn't get the same results or the same progress as the influencer. Slowly, but surely I started zooming out of my reality and started living in this weird parallel place where I couldn't see myself; where I felt like I had to do something because this influencer was doing it too. That's how I lived and it killed me, literally, I think I've said this before too but oh well, I'll say it again, when I realised what was happening to me, how I was dangling, mindlessly, on a thread. I pulled myself up and helped myself. then I was reborn and I started calling myself Leah, because after that identity crisis I found the new me and she was so good, I love her. I love me. That sentence was hard to say for Maleeha because honestly, I was broken and sometimes all you need is a cure. but before the cure, you need to admit it to yourself, admit the fact that you might be sick, forget others, you need to admit it, you need to be you and see what's going on with you. you can't solve the world's problems and ignore yours. Don't let your demons taunt you, or your weaknesses paralyse you, you're a strong person and I know that, you know that too, but if you've forgotten, don't worry, try and you will find yourself. 

After the night ends, the sun does rise. 

Recently, I was listening to the Dolan Twins 💕 podcast called Deeper with the Dolan Twins and honestly, I heard something eye opening. The episode, I think, is called, "Parting Ways With Our Co-Host", and in that episode, Ryan said something and I'll summarise it, he said that he wouldn't wanna hold back the twins just because their trains were going in different directions, it wouldn't be fair to anybody-- that right there was like a legendary moment for me and I felt so special; those words were so full of wisdom. Think about what he said, often we feel like if we want to take a break from everyone and find ourselves it's selfish but he's right, if we're in pain, the people around us would definitely be affected and that wouldn't be fair to them or to you; therefore and I think Ethan put it best he said that, "By taking a break, and being 'selfish', you're actually doing the most selfless thing ever. It was a beautiful podcast episode and I was smiling the whole time as I listened to each sentence, it went to my heart, check it out and I hope it'll tug at a string. I would like to say this. Being influenced might not be a bad thing, for example, I got into a lot of the things I love by watching others and seeing that they were happy doing those things. For instance, dancing is something that I would've not imagined myself doing when I was 12; if you'd asked me what I think about dancing, I'd have shrugged and said, "I don't know."Right now I'm fifteen and dancing gives me so much pleasure that even if my thighs are numb because of 'leg-day' (I mean because of working out 🙄), I still dance and it feels fulfilling; same with food; something that haunted me for the past 14 years has become a good enough reason for me to hop out of bed early. I drool in my bathroom in the morning, just thinking of breakfast. As a bulimic, that's hard to say, but I finally feel like I'm happy with who I am and who I want to be; I love the habits I've adopted and live for them. That is an achievement in and of itself. It's like looking at white light; you see only one colour when in fact a spectrum hides in this white, shining armour, you only need to discover who you are. My point is, don't be afraid of being influenced but don't let someone's principles drive you forward, try to be you in moments instead of someone else, that is something that I struggled to do, you're your own person and if you make mistakes, a valuable lesson will be added to the book of 'my struggles'; yes, that is correct, your struggles, no one else's. I hope I was able to deliver the message that I wanted to; I'll put it like this: when snow accumulates in your garden, your lawn, on your car; no one shovels it away for you, you do it yourself; just like you eat for yourself and your cells divide to keep you, a significant organism alive and going; therefore, don't ever let someone confuse you. You can find the perfect you; you just need to imagine the perfect you; you might not have a single idea as to who that is but that person is in you somewhere; you need to excavate and dig around; after all precious things are hard to find.

Love.

Leah.